September 26th, 2012
My writing has started to become
more and more scarce these days. But, today when I was speaking to my brother –
I asked him why he didn’t start writing. I think his life, and that of our
family is absolutely book worthy. What I realized while telling him that, was
that I miss writing, myself. Writing has always been my outlet. I have diaries
from grade 7 to prove it, ha!
I have been going through a bit
of an internal struggle lately. Some of you reading this will just read like a
broken record because I have been having trouble with this decision for a long,
lonnng time now. When I moved to Australia, I made a pact with myself that I
was staying for only a short time. I wouldn’t make too much of an effort to
make lifelong friends, just “travel buddies”. I told myself not to build any
strong relationships, get in too deep with a job, but to just enjoy my day to
day “holiday” for the year. But …. Of course, once again, I refuse to follow
even my own rules. I have built a life here in Melbourne. A Monday-Sunday, real
life. Sometimes I wonder if it is even a real life? … This city, country, and
the people only know a year of me. Back home, there are 21 whole years of
history, relationships, family, friends. But my life here is real, almost too
good to be true. I spent a few solids months missing home, and putting up with
Melbourne “winter” (which was really quite cold to be honest). Since then
though, I have made some really great friends and met some remarkable people. I
have gone through a lot of tough times here, opened myself up, and allowed
people in. I have only four weeks left here until I am supposed to be on a
plane to Southeast Asia. I should’ve booked my flight months ago, but I have
been putting it off. Each day, I see “LOOK UP FLIGHTS” on my to-do list, and
each day I just stare at the writing and decide to figure it out some other
time. Now, its crunch time. I have less than 30 days in my new life, my little
dream world. Its scary. Its sad. But, I guess it is life. I think leaving here
will only make me a stronger person, encourage me to face another fear; the
fear of leaving people behind, saying goodbye. Life is hard, but life is
wonderfully hard. I wouldn’t be so sad leaving if I didn’t truly have the time
of my life out here in my little imaginary world. It so mind boggling that I
can never unite my life at home and my life in Australia. Most of the people
here I have met and become close with are not all Australian, so even if I came
back one day, I bet half of them would be gone too. Sometimes it is crazy to
sit here in my apartment and feel so content being halfway across the world
from “home”. Just recently Melbourne has felt like home. I feel comfortable
here. Such a strange feeling from a few months ago.
I’m starting to just face the
facts. Face the truth. I am leaving this country in 4 weeks for a long time. I
may be back one day, but I may not. I need to move on from being sad about it
and start becoming excited about spending 8 weeks in Asia. My Asia trip was the
most exciting part of my entire journey when I left Canada a year ago. I
couldn’t wait to get 8 weeks in Asia, relaxing on a beach, doing yoga and
swimming in the ocean. But now, the thought of going makes me so upset that
Asia doesn’t seem so exciting anymore. It makes me anxious a little. To be
honest, I start to sweat just thinking about leaving here. It’s hard. But who
said life was easy, anyway? Nobody. I am really trying to focus on walking off
the plane on Decemeber 18th in Toronto. I picture my family there
with signs (you all better be there with signs and flowers and hugs and
kisses), and I HOPE and pray that at that point I feel a little more comfort in
my decision to leave Australia. Overall, my time here has really been some of
the best times of my life. I would not change anything throughout my journey so
far. Do I regret not being there for my family at points in the last few
months, yes. Do I feel anxious about leaving Australia and embarking a whole
new adventure, yes. Am I afraid that I will never see most of the people here
again, yes. BUT … I always preach life is what we make it. If I want to come
back, I can make it happen. I need to experience, I need to grow. My journey
here is a part of the process. Right now is nowhere near the end of my journey.
The light at the end of the
tunnel for me, is the fact I will come home at Christmas. The best time of
year. I will be able to hold my family and really tell them how much I value
and have missed them. I will be able to sit with my grandmother and be there
for her… I will get up to shenanigans with my cousins, and invade everyone’s
space I’m sure. I am looking forward to reuniting with my bests, laughing with
them until my insides hurt. Having fp times with Nicole, drinking too much
wine, cuddling with Britt… mm. All of the things I haven’t had for a year. I
can have a “girls and gays” night in Toronto in my new house. Pez will be my
roommate! I can cuddle my little baby, Charles Morgan and remind him who his
momma is. Oh, Christmas. I can’t wait to give everyone all of the presents from
Asia and my travels. Go to a Red wings game with my Papa, and a Detroit Lions
game with Joey (I better be coming this year!). It’s the little things and the
extraordinary people that I miss the most. I’m sure it will be the little
things and the extraordinary people that I miss the most about Australia too. What
I’ve also come to realize is that it’s okay to miss things. It just means that
the things you miss have made a significant impact on your life. Even if not
your day to day life, missing something or someone acknowledges that they had a
positive effect on you, made you happy, even just for a second. I’ve also had
someone recently tell me that I am too happy. That was really the first time
anyone has ever said “too happy” with a negative connotation. I think I am yes,
young and naïve. But you’re only young and naïve once, so I may as well be the
happiest I can while I am here. I hope all of you are doing the same, waking up
every morning and choosing to be happy. Sometimes life gets rough and we have
to make hard decisions, go through some really hard times. But life could
always be worse. It could always be harder. If you are reading this, you should
know that through those hard times at least you have me to support you. And I
have you. We all have each other. Life would be miserable with no one to love
or care about. Thank you for allowing your eyes and ears to be my outlet. My
macbook sure as hell gets a lot of heat from my fingertips on days like this. I
don’t know if I would be so happy or so peaceful without a proper outlet. And
thank you, to those of you who allow me to vent constantly, complain, and
repeat myself a dozen times. I really do appreciate you. I’m sure just reading
my blogs sometimes is exhausting. But my only hope is for whomever reading this
can take even just a bit of my words with them. I hope to maybe even inspire
one or two people. Whether it’s to travel, smile a little bigger, love a little
more, appreciate the little things. Life is too short to spend it in a tiny
box. Go find your own imaginary world. Get out there… listen to plenty of music
and see plenty of movies, too. OH, listen to “Hello, I’m In Delaware” by City
and Colour., and maybe the whole Dallas Green collection. Those are always
good.
‘Till Next Time…
